Lately, I've been going through some really bad emotional ups and downs. Some days it's so bad I can feel it physically like it's suffocating me. Recently, I got distracted with getting my lost photos back, taxes and a few other things and it got a little better. Still it's there. Some of it has to do with a lost relationship and on my main/professional blog I write about it some with other stuff too.
My therapist said distractions are good. I'm in more or less an unstable place and have been here for a long time except for a year I spent with a friend.
Anyway, I got very upset one day(well actually a few times) and I prayed to God really hard to give me some answers. Answers on why the instability, why on many areas of my life that haven't worked in the way I'd hoped and He led me to some answers that some might disagree with or think I'm being deceived by satan, etc. but I'm not. I don't believe I ended up on the research I found randomly. I think there's alot of truth in it. I certainly don't have all the answers and am continuing my research.
A few things I've touched on so far include soulmates(let me be clear here, I think that term is a hollywood fantasy, a better term would be a person's match) and by that I mean when your match has already died before you could meet. The internet is full of information on how each of us have 1000's of possible soulmates(matches) but I'm not so sure. Like most of us I've already been through a few so called soulmates that turned out to be duds. Or what I refer to as Mr. Right Now. I suspect I might have a few more Mr. Right Nows before I actually meet Mr. Right. But honestly speaking I don't think there is such a thing as the right person. And I don't think there is a Mr. Right. For me, anyway. I come to this conclusion and I'm not being pessimistic, only realistic, because of my many failures which really weren't because I didn't marry any of them so I was saved a lot of heartache in that arena. I guess you could say I've been spared the heartache and problems the rest of the population has had to go through. So in that sense I've been blessed.
That brings me to even more research God led me to and that is generational/bloodline/ancestral curses. And let's not forget the possibility of higher being control/demonic influences and of course fringe science such as parallel timelines, reality glitches, alternate universes, etc. and of course physics, quantum physics and mechanics. This is very difficult to understand and hard for me to concentrate on. I only take a little at a time.
I don't believe I was put here to date, find a husband, have kids or anything similar. I'm not sure exactly why but I hope in time it will become clear. Theologists refer to it as God's will. I don't know and have no answers. But the first thing God lead me to was the dead soulmate theory so today I decided to go back there once more. I just don't want to stay on it too long. I also found a site that teaches you how to change the past. I don't believe you can change the past. I believe you can change your memory of it though. I wonder how that would affect my future if I could make all those failed relationships disappear from my memory and be replaced with only good memories. This exercise allows one to completely get rid of the person or change it to a positive experience rather than a negative one. I'm having a hard time with that one. My most recent relationship was a complete failure like all the rest. It was probably doomed from the beginning. The truth is, I don't think we were ever meant to be more than acquantances and because of ulterior motives on his part I ended up caring very deeply for him. I refuse to use the word love because I've never actually experienced true love and if I did it was only on my part never the man's so I don't believe love exists. We have been lulled into a false security that it does and we spend our lives searching for it when it never existed. We were put here just like the animals to fulfill a purpose of mating and multiplying the earth but somewhere down the line people put love into the mix and monogamy and all that other good stuff and it all sounds good in theory but judging by the rate of divorce all over the world I don't think we were ever meant for more than the animals. Which brings me to us thinking we are higher than the animals. We are not. Another falsity. Another lie we've been told.
The second thing I was brought to after the whole soulmate deal was manipulation, mind control and brainwashing in dating and how the proper mind control can lead one to marriage or not. I guess I never learned how to properly manipulate men. I've never been a big fan. Because of this, I end up in time wasting relationships that go nowhere. Modern psychology tells men and women there is something wrong with them and they must change themselves if they want to find a mate. But the truth is, there is nothing wrong with many of the people on the losing side. There is nothing inherently wrong with me. I'm kind, loving, loyal, attractive and deserve a good man but couldn't find one if my life depended on it. Personally, I don't think any so called good man wants a good woman. I don't think any man wants a good woman. It probably has something to do with the whole mother complex but I'm not a psychologist so I don't know.
For now, this pretty much sums up where I am right now. I'm trying to reach a higher level of consciousness. A place where I can rise above all the human wants. Because a mate is a want, it's not a need. We can survive just fine without one and without kids. Heck, we can survive without family. Afterall, I don't have any family. My closest family is my ex husband. And as angry as he makes me most of the time, he's the only family I have.
You can visit my other blogs at Sassygrrl32, Haunted Abandoned Carolinas, 5Ve and Hubpages where you can read my articles. Peace.....